Through My Eyes

THROUGH MY EYES

By derrick Stahl

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     The psalmist Heman once wrote: You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. I am justified in having inspired him to write those words.

     I find myself in the garden, and I am alone. My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. My brothers have drifted away. They refused to stay with me in my hour of greatest need. They claimed to love me, but now their backs are turned. Was my trust misplaced?

     My face is pressed into the dirt, and my breath escapes me in ragged gasps. I can’t stop the tears from falling. Everyone I have ever loved has turned away from me. I am so alone. I need to be held. I need my brothers to wrap their arms around me. Do they not understand my torment?

     The blood has already started. It runs from my pores, mixing with the sweat on my brow. I’m so scared. Abba, I don’t want to do this anymore. Help me follow Your will and not my own.

     I can do nothing but cry. Words fail me; my prayer has turned to nothing but meaningless sobs. My God. God. Please.

     I lift myself with the last remaining strength my body has. I stumble back to my brothers. They are all sleeping.

     Can you not help me pray? At least pray for yourself, that you may flee from temptation.

     They do not respond, but I wouldn’t know what to say even if they did. I am abandoned while still standing in the midst of my friends. I watch them drift away again. I allow myself to do the same.

     I fall to the ground once more. I have no words to speak, so I just kneel in my Father’s presence. I know that He too will soon turn His eyes away from me.

     And then I see you, my son.  You drift through my mind, and I see your pain. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you close. I know my Spirit will sustain you in your days of trouble. Do not think I don’t know what it means to be alone. Or that the Son of Man has never felt the sting of a broken heart. I have been hurt, and I have gone through it so you may believe I can comfort you. The entire world, my own creation, hates me. Let my Spirit comfort you. I know what it is to be alone. 

     They have come. The destroyers of my flesh are here. They carry with them torches and swords. My heart has already been beaten and crushed. I must now be beaten and broken outwardly as well.

     A friend, a man whose feet I have washed, comes to me with a kiss. Is this your final act of abandonment, my brother? Betrayed by a gentle kiss? It takes everything that I am not to weep.

     My brothers are still sleeping. But it does not matter, for even if they were awake all they would do is run from me. I am alone.

     Who is it you want?

     I am he.